Helping others (when I need to help me.)

A poem on the inevitability of losing the focus on the present.

I want to help others

When I can’t help myself

But I have to love me

In sickness and in health

I feel connected to so many

Yet I don’t belong anywhere

I’ve never known envy

Just felt things have not been fair

I fear for my future

And have pain from my past

I’m mean to myself

When will this torment pass?

I only feel good in the present

When I’m directionless

Lost in embracing the sun

Thoughts can be a temptress

I want to believe

I must believe

That it all works out how it should

But does it?

--

This poem is about my struggles with depression and anxiety. The back and forth struggle of being present in the moment, enjoying life; but always coming back to negative thoughts that have plagued me for years (fear of failure, regrets, etc.). I’ve been meditating for over a year now, and it’s made a huge difference. But it’s hard. It’s something you have to work on every day.

Some days, as I mentioned, I struggle to be present. I'll lose myself to negative self-chatter, thinking about things that are simply out of my control. It’s something I’ve dealt with my entire life. Only recently I’ve been able to combat it, productively. Nevertheless, it’s still difficult, and I consider it a lifelong journey that’ll be a part of my ever-expanding growth.

But I’d be lying if I said I don’t worry about my future, if I didn’t think about what I’m going to do with my life. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, there’s so many things that I’d love to do with my life, and so many directions I can take… it’s simply impossible to accomplish them all, so how do I know if I’m choosing the right path?

I have to believe and must believe that life will work itself out the way it’s supposed to. And I do believe that energy is important to channel and embrace throughout life. But once I let my thoughts take hold again, I often ask myself, does it?

-JTC