I'm sorry I didn't say I love you more.

Here's a journal entry from May 5th, 2018.

When I was going through a really difficult breakup, I discovered journaling my thoughts. I usually write my raps on my iPad or in my Notes app on my phone. But this, this I wrote with a pen and paper.

My therapy was journaling and meditation

I miss you dear.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your smile.

I miss your eyes.

I miss your cute ears.

I miss the smell of your hair.

I miss your chubby fingers (which you got from your mom).

I hope one day we can be together again.

But if not, it's okay.

I just want you to be happy.

I thought that would be with me.

I don't want to force anything.

But what we had was special.

I'm sad that it might really be over.

But if this is what you need...

Then this is what must be.

I can tell you that it gets better with time. But it'll always sting a little. As time has gone by, I've met some amazing women, who have helped me and encouraged me be the person I am today. I truly do believe everything happens for a reason. In my journal, I prayed for her to take me back. She was the first girl I thought I'd actually marry. I thought we were set. Looking back now, I can see the differences we had, and how maybe it wasn't the best fit for either of us. Regardless of our differences, I loved her dearly, and I hope she's doing well.

Most women I've broken up with, I'm on good terms with. In fact, she's the only ex that I haven't had friendly words with post-breakup. But her, she's different. She didn't want any contact with me. Part of it, in my mind, was that it was as hard on her as it was on me to let go. I just didn't like how things were handled. For the sake of our previous relationship, I won't get into details.

I wish we communicated better.

But at the end of the day, I could've been a better boyfriend, and maybe I could've seen some of the writing on the wall. But when she broke up with me, it hit me hard. I wasn't expecting it. It came out of nowhere. There was no cheating, no manipulation, we were kind to each other. But sometimes, that's not enough.

I think journaling my feelings and my thoughts were the best thing I could've done for myself. I began meditating, really meditating (I use the Headspace app, which I love). I forced myself to get back into running shape. Frankly, I needed to grow up a little bit, and the breakup ignited a spark in me. It's a shame we don't act until something negative happens, but that seems to be the way most people learn. I'm grateful for the heartache. I'm grateful for the pain. All I can do is move forward in life and trust that the universe will work itself out the way it's supposed to.

-JTC